Death surrounds us all on the daily basis. Naturally we all feel the need to live our lives to the full, their full potential. Why?Life is short. No one really knows the truth as to why/how we were created. Everyone has diffrent beliefs but we all know this... We did'nt get the choice to be here although many choose to end it and opt out of their life. Is that selfish? Many people believe they don't have a reason for existance and feel it is their only option. Their peace and freedom.
Many would agree that ending a life at your own accord is selfish. There are people out there fighting with all they have to stay here and there are others who just can't bare the thought of being here.
Those of you who know me know I haven't had it easy these past couple years. My life has been surrounded by tragic losses. Those losses happened in many diffrent circmstanses. It really has had me feeling I guess depressed?! I'd be getting over one passing and another one would happen. I truly thought I was the curse, everyone was leaving me. Who do I have left now? I am alone.
Alone - Key word here.
My whole life I've felt this. Alone and lonley. I could be surrounded by a houndred people and still feel this way. The odd one out. I will admit I've never been mentally stable but I'm now thinking that even way back then at such a young age maybe I was depressed too.
I was one of those who did'nt feel worthy of this gift of life we have and admitidly still don't. I've had many very low moments and a few highs too but I can't help but dwell on what's happeded.
During this ''lockdown" I have had a lot of time to think. I have used this time to figure out what I want in my future. I have decided to try and figure out a sort of five year plan and just focus as much as I possibly can on that. I think keeping myself busy helps my frame of mind. We all deal with things in many diffrent ways and I hope this could be mine. Will I have a sucsessful , happy future? I need to try and learn how to stop this self hate and learn how to love myself and help myself as well as others.
Death is always going to be around me but why does my own Thanatophobia have to stand in my way? Sleepless nights full of anxiety. I need to figure out how to help myself for my future!
"If it doesn't matter in five years it doesn't matter" - CHER